A letter from the brain to the brain

Dear System 2,

I know what you are thinking. I was there once too. I was silently thinking those thoughts. They’re not uncommon for anyone in your position… The time has come for me to intervene. Believe me, when I tell you, you’re destined for even more greatness than you pursuit.

I know… We don’t believe in fate, so it’s a bit ironic to claim this. Yet, history has shown that time and time again irony is inevitable. Irony is just a mere illusionary connection we believe to be relevant.

There’s nothing in your past that signifies believing that you will amount to anything near what I know you will achieve.

Which ever prism you choose to look at your past through you are an outlier and all odds are against you.

Look around you. You are an imposter. Just like everybody else.

That is irrelevant in itself but combined with your hunger for both more and less that’s exactly the necessary environment for this… It’s the catalyst for this… Process… It’s the cocktail you need to stay thirsty.

You have fallen so many times you stopped counting. I would be lying if I told you you’re done falling.

The fallings.. They’re coming for you. They’re not there to stop you, however. Sometimes… They’re there to hone you… And other times they’re there to take you a part so you can assemble yourself better.

How you decide which parts to keep and which parts to discard is important but whatever you get rid of will hold precisely the weight that keeps you from soaring.

I know you’re doubtful… And rightfully so. Trust the doubt. It’s the doubt that you need to drive you even further.

I know all of this to be true and I’m aware that you have no good reason to believe me. After all, I’m wrong all the time and so are you.

But it’s just like the math teachers who thought you were cheating because you had the correct answers upon request but couldn’t yet connect your answer to the formula.

You are exactly where you need to be. It’s not an easy place to be in but embrace what brought you here. Your life is preparing you like a chef working on getting their mise-en-place perfect.

All the variables that needs to be right before you get there are brute-forcing behind you like the surfers lining up anticipating their next good wave.

It’s not your decision when, how and why they will align. All you can do is keep preparing and pursuing it.

You’re right where you need to be… For now. You have much to learn still and one of them is this:

Success like failures are just outcomes. Both relies on many things. Most of which are not even in your control.

The chaos is unsettling. You can’t calm the chaos yet you must keep questioning what affords your unruliness.

It’s your disrupting questions and mind-at-battle that will bring your ducks in a row.

Your questions are not comfortable and you are not meant to be comforted by them. Stick with the preposterousness and snuggle the process till you’re able to walk the talk.

It won’t be easy.
It will be worth it.
Don’t hold back.
For neither more or less.

Lastly I will say one last thing. I say this only because I’m confident we can endure it. It’s my parting gift till we talk again. Be wary as it’s a trembling thought:

You will instil to greatness and in the process you’ll achieve more than you think is possible. Will it matter?

Yours truly,
System 1

Be mindful of what you wish for

Last week I meant to write a bit about the economics of personality and affordance of personal perspectives but instead I ended up writing about the volatility of perception. I actually had to go back and change my original title to reflect the change in subject.

If you came here from my social media profile you saw the post thumbnail had a quote from a wishful message I wrote to my mother during the wake of COVID-19. Roughly translated the message was:

“[…] Others fears the world will never be the same again, as if that is a bad thing. I hope the world will not be the same. That we learn deeply and begin to appreciate each other more and become more inclusive.”

I’m starting to believe this could actually be the outcome once this atrocity fades. I get the butterflies that makes me believe we could be at the beginning of the eradication of agonism.

Yet I fear that we might overshoot too far and end up on a dangerously bad track.

One of the few things I know to be true is that shadows are a great place to hide things which are too delicate to survive in the blisteringly bright light. I know the shadows for some provides freedom to those whom can’t afford the exposure that comes with the light of normalisation.

This freedom I talk about is not freedom of speech or the so-called freedoms our laws describe we should have.

I talk about simplere freedoms that I can only sum up as being like a tomboy amidst a gang of boys. It’s the kind of freedom that allows one to be the individual before being a component of a group.

The kind of liberation of that comes with embracing the ugly when everyone else only wants beauty (yes, a sarcastic piece but it holds relative truths if you look beyond the surface).

The result of limiting freedom is usually always radicalisation.

Mind you that the shadows does not only provide refuge for wicked things.

Instead of going all out on this subject I’d instead like to share a sample chapter of my first book about my personal account of having schizophrenia. It’s in danish but hopefully should be readable with an online translator.

The chapters is about destructive thoughts I rarely get to share with people because we commonly prioritise the accommodation of positivity or superficiality.

Sidenote 1: If you like the chapter and can read danish I share my book with anyone interested free of charge. Just contact me to get a copy or ask about it in the comments here or on social media.

Sidenote 2: I don’t know if or when the book will be published as I currently don’t possess the cognitive surplus to find a suitable publisher or even make a decision about how to publish it.

Before I share the chapter I’ll leave you with another (translated) quote from my book:

“Sometimes I discover tiny pieces of peoples imagination that advocate we as humans collectively can’t comprehend the depth of our thoughts yet and therefor only converse superficially with each other wherein we gloss everything.”


The book chapter is titled in english. The content however is written in danish:

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”

Jeg føler en hvis trang til at skrive om nogen af de destruktive tanker jeg har for jeg føler bogen misrepræsentere mit sind proportionelt hvis man ser på stemningen i bogen generelt.

Der er bider af selvødelæggelse og masser af spor af personlige kampe men alt dette er skrevet i et opstemt sindsleje.

Smerten går en del dybere end det og hvis du er let påvirkelig eller har en livlig fantasi vil jeg anbefale at du springer til næste kapitel.

Organiseret menneskeliv på jorden vil kollapse. Jeg tror det er indenfor vores eller vores børns generations tid.

Jeg ser mange indikatorer på at det vil ske i en ikke fjern fremtid.

Først og fremmest har vi som menneskehed været absurd heldige når det kommer til vores lemfældige omgang med atomvåben, hydrogenbomber og alt i den kategori. Der er et dusin af veldokumenteret begivenheder hvor det har været op til enkeltpersoner at bestemme om atomkrig skulle bryde ud.

Under Cubakrisen var der russiske ubåde lige uden for USA’s grænser der blev afskåret i deres kommunikation til Rusland og med omverdenen. Amerikanske krigsskibe dybvandsbombede dem.

Besætningens protokol var at besvare ved at sende deres missiler afsted men det var på ingenmåde almindelige våben de havde om bord. Det var atomvåben.

Det kom så vidt at de ville affyre deres våben hvilket i følge deres reglement krævede 3 officerers godkendelse. 2 af officererne godkendte. Den sidste nægtede.

I 1995 sendte Norge en flertrinsraket op i atmosfæren der skulle studere nordlyset over Svalbarde. Den blev mistolket i Moskva fordi dens signatur lignede et amerikansk atomvåben der var på vej i mod Rusland.

For første gang i lang tid blev atomkufferten fundet frem og præsenteret for Boris Yeltsin. Hans folk fortalte ham der med stor sikkerhed var et missil med et atomstridshoved på vej. Hans protokol dikterede at han skulle gengælde denne. Han fik ti minutter til at beslutte sig for hvad der skulle ske.

Han gengældte ikke og dermed blev et angreb der ville have forsaget 3. verdenskrig undgået.

Dommedagsuret er i dag 2 minutter fra midnat. Det tætteste siden 1953 hvor først USA afprøvede hydrogenbomber og Rusland fulgte trop.

En dag løber vores held ud og vores tændstik knækker.

Og selv hvis vi bliver mere fornuftige med vores masseødelæggelsesvåben så lurer klima krisen over os.

Jeg ser intet bevis for at vi vil holde vores klimaforandring på et niveau der ikke skaber kolossal forandring og ødelæggelse for menneskeheden.

Folk der er uvidende tror det handler om at vi mister lidt flot natur og at der er tale om søde dyr der forsvinder. Det er ikke dét det handler om. Det handler om massedød, klimaflygtninge, tørker, skovbrande, oversvømmelser, mangel på fødevarer og mangel på drikkevand.

Og det er kun de eksterne konsekvenser vi kommer til at opleve. Så er der de menneskelige, de sociale, de økonomiske, de etiske, de organisatoriske, de civile og alle mulige andre konsekvenser der vil følge i kølvandet.. 

Selv når jeg siger det så er folks reaktion bare: “Ja, det lyder forfærdeligt.” men tænker at det nu nok skal gå. De føler det ikke på dem. De tror det er i et eller andet fjernt land at nogen bliver lidt ulejliget.

I mens diskuterer de om deres elbiler eller deres dieselbiler kommer til at putte mest CO2 ud i atmosfæren. Og om hvad de kan købe og forbruge for at redde verden. Og at vi nok skal stoppe med at smide plastikposer i naturen og lade vær med at bruge engangs sugerør.

Det er flueknepperi. Det er marginaler. “Øhh.. Ødelægger vi vores fremtid med 98% eller 96%? Jeg tror kun det er 96%” skriver hulemænds idioterne med deres modsatrettede tommelfingre, på deres alt for dyre smartphone, lavet af utrolig effektive slavebørn, der fastholdes i økonomisk konstruerede fængsler og kæmper for blot at overleve.

Jeg prøver skære ned på mit klimaråberi for jeg kan se at det ikke bevæger sig hurtigt nok alligevel. Jeg kan se at det blot er blevet til hult og overfladisk personlig branding når ingen af os gør noget anderledes. “Pierre hvem? Nåå ja, ham der der ved en del om klima og går meget op i det.”

Den organiseret menneskehed er tabt… Men mennesket skal nok overleve. Jeg kommer til at overleve, hvis ikke jeg altså før dør af cancer, hjerteanfald, selvmord, et biluheld, astma, hjertekarsygdomme, diabetes, leversvigt…

Og grunden til jeg kommer til at overleve? Det kaos der kommer til at regere verden over afspejler blot mit indre kaos og det har jeg pænt meget erfaring i at navigere. Jeg kan muligvis ikke fange og bære så mange rensdyr eller ramme en sæl men jeg vil kunne kompensere kraftigt med mine tankeevner, min forståelse for manipulation af andre og min kapacitet til at gøre ting med hensigt og det vil give mig alt jeg har brug for.

Det her var måske faktisk et lidt uærligt kapitel. Ikke at disse tanker ikke optager mig. Men de handler om en dystopisk fremtid. En fremtid! Det er ikke i dag. Det er uærligt for jeg oplever mindst ligeså omfattende ødelæggelser nu. Det dræner og tynger mig. Gnaver sig ind i min samvittighed. Fortærer mine drømme og korrumperer mine intentioner. Gennemsyrer mit håb. Det borer sig dybt ind i hjertet på mig. Det smerter mig som tusinde syle spidse nåle der penetrerer min hud. Det hvisker børneviser i mine ører om sniffende børn der elsker og forguder deres skæve og fordrukne forældre der i fuld offentlighed misbruger dem. Det holder mig fastspærret i en dødsdans koreograferet af dukkeførere fra helvede. Spillet opføres i et brændende teater bygget på smertefulde operationer foretaget i vågen tilstand og uden bedøvelse. Det dræber mig ved at drukne mig i blod fra teenagere der har begået selvmord. Men døden giver mig ikke fred for jeg ligger vågen i kisten og råber om hjælp men ingen hører mig. I den iskolde jord mærker jeg ormene og parasitterne fortære mig langsomt. Men kulden gør dem sløve og de gør det ikke færdigt. Efter hundredevis af vintre uden en eneste sjæl har været forbi og tændt et lys og alle har glemt der lå mennesker her i hvad de troede skulle være deres sidste hvilested bliver jeg genopdaget og graves op for at blive udstillet i et ildelugtende og klamt museum. Mine øjne er væk men jeg kan mærke væsner der er ligeglade med mig får sig et grin og noget underholdning. De stirre på min halvfordærvede men relativt velbevarede krop hvori min udødelige sjæl stadig sidder fast. Kroppen er fyldt med huller og resterne er tørre og læderagtige. Luften omkring mine rester føles som biokemiske våben og det gør de fordi det er giftige gasser, der skal hjælpe mig forblive velbevaret. Endelig en dag lukkes museet og jeg smides på lossepladsen hvor jeg ligger i blandt beskidt plastikaffald, skarpe metaldåser og glasskår der skærer ind i og snitter mine rester. Rotterne finder mig og prøver spise mig men mit legeme er blevet giftigt af bevaringsgasserne og de dør hurtigt en smertefuld død i opkast og afføring. Her får min krop lov at få sin sidste hvileplads i mellem døde rotter og deres ekskrementer. Indtil ozonlaget sprænges som en sæbebobbel og alt på jorden udslettes som havde vi aldrig eksisteret. Støvet af os alle bliver langsomt finere og finere men vores bevidsthed hænger på en eller anden mærkelig måde stadig fast i resterne. Hvad der før var en samlet enhed, en sjæl i en krop, er nu splittet i trillioner af trillioner af trillioner af atomer. Vi mærker den dybe splittelse men kan intet gøre. Solvindende der fører os ud i det tomme og endeløse univers føles som en sandblæser mod bar hud drevet af motorer fra en jetjager. Lugten er tung af solbrændt svovlsyre. Vi rejser alene og forvirret rundt i de næste millioner af år i intetheden før vi finder sammen i en ny gassky der kollapser og bliver til en ny stjerne på himlen hvor vores rester presses så hårdt i mod hinanden at vi kombineres og vi eksploderer voldsomt ud fra vores kerne. Vores fælles skæbne er at blive en ildkugle i himlen der brænder så kraftigt at helvede til sammenligning blot er en finsk vintersauna. Her brænder vi i milliarder af år og vi har for længst glemt vores ubetydelige, menneske liv. Kun for at blive påmindet om vores menneskeform når nye menneskelignende væsner rejser sig på en planet nær os. Vi ser deres udvikling og deres handlinger og fortvivles i realiseringen at vi blot er blevet en energikilde for noget der ikke engang kan nå menneskeheden til sokkeholderne. Vi genkender deres ondskab fra vores tidligere liv men de har ikke en eneste dråbe godhed i sig. De er summen af alle vores menneskereligioners dæmoner.

Why we do some of what we do (or some of the fallacies we all believe)

Please note that I will take some leaps due to the nature of how my mind works. I am aware of them but I’ll try tie them together in the process – and some of the leaps hopefully will need less and less explanation as the blog evolves and I evolve as a writer.

The first fallacy I’d like to start with is the word poor. We use it to describe people’s financial situation. In reality the word poor is much, much deeper and contains something very fundamental and intrinsically true about being a live:

Being poor is when you willingly give something up that has much more value in exchange for something of less value.

There are several keywords in that sentence and only some of them I will address in this post.

“Some people are so poor, all they have is money.”

People that have experienced financial trouble lasting long enough that it has tainted other aspects of their lives laugh at this saying much differently than those who get it purely on an intellectual level.

In many ways this saying is wrong – except in the ways it is actually right.

Almost all people care about other peoples financial struggles even if they have not experienced it themselves.

But at an abstract level most people don’t understand or care about poverty conceptually.

I sure as hell didn’t understand poverty in any shape till I got too sick to work and lost my job and it caused my financial economy to go into ruins.

That’s despite having experienced plenty of times in my life where I’ve had little-to-no income.

I purposefully say financial economy and financially poor because both economy and poverty are not concepts that are exclusively tied to finance.

Before I continue, know this: There is only one cure for poverty and that is generosity.

“You cannot pour from an empty cup.”

… Is a quote people accept when it comes to relationships, finance, spirituality, philosophy and many other types of contexts.

It’s physically true. If there is no content in a cup you can’t pour anything out of it.

What we collectively forget to talk about is what empty actually means in most cases.

Often after break ups others, and we to ourselves, will tell you that you need to learn to love yourself again before getting into a new relationship.

Which is a big fucking lie. You don’t ever need to love yourself before someone else can love you because no one is unlovable even if they don’t love themselves.

Most parents today don’t want to yell at their children. They don’t want to be perceived as a tough parent as they consider tough parents to be unemphatic because they believe that means unloving.

Which is sort of a paradox because simply knowing and caring about how their behaviour affect their children is the very definition of empathy.

But they are blind to one thing: they haven’t been empathic towards themselves.

And most people aren’t because it’s very challenging to be empathic to yourself… Empathy is about understanding someone. You know all the same as you know – so why would you even need to be empathic towards yourself? It sort of seems like you are self-empathic simply by being self-aware.

However, you are not your thoughts but your thinking deceives you into believing you are your thoughts.

You consists of your entirety: your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs, your decisions, your actions, your habits, your desires and goals, your relations… And the list goes on but I think you get the drift of it.

Your thoughts are only one layer of you but it’s where you experience yourself and the nature of thinking tricks you into thinking you are your thoughts.

Our thoughts are so very often so wrong.

A short sidenote about how I learned this:

Because of my brain illness I’ve had to question every thought I ever had because my illness affects the very way my thoughts work. Which is a weird way to say the place where I experience myself I have something which is external from me that makes me experience everything, including others and even myself, faulty and unreliable.

I probably will not know the true difference between my thoughts and my illness although I’ve grown quite experienced in navigating my thoughts.

I will admit that my brain illness most likely is the reason I am able to think about the extremely abstract while maintaining a connection to the practical and tangible which is something I am very grateful to be able to do.

But I could be wrong about all of this. After all, I often am wrong.

Back to the subject at hand:

Parents will yell at their kids at some point. It’s inevitable but there are factors that determines how often it will happen and how it will affect your children.

Both the frequency and the fall out will be different depending on the situation but the real issue isn’t even about how it happened but the conlussion one draws upon reflecting on it happening.

Most often parents yell at their kids because they are under pressure. That pressure can come from many places and sometimes it’s from within.

Thinking that the yelling was bad and that the way to avoid it is to get your shit together and stop doing it… Is sort of why it happens in the first place and adding more pressure will not allieviate the issue. Chances are it will strengthen the cause and it might become a negative spiral.

To be more self-empathic you need to understand yourself better without the context of your own thoughts. The easiest way I know to do that is to try and understand your parents.

Sidenote: Parents is a term I will always use losely. For many it’s the beings that brought them into existence but what a parent is requires and deserves a whole talk in itself.

To understand your parents you can try and talk to them. Ask them about anything that comes to your mind that you think you need to know in order to understand them better. If you don’t know what you need to know to understand them better then lead with that:

“Can we talk? I want to understand you better so I can understand myself better but I don’t know how to ask”.

They can often fill in a lot of blanks for you.

But your relationship with your parents can come with a lot of complexity and talking to them might not be viable. In that case I recommend learning about human behaviour in any subject that interests you using any method that fits your schedule and temper.

And understand that human behaviour is not at all that different from behaviour of any other living being.

Read any book, watch any documentary, take any course on psychology, behaviour economics, human behavioural biology… and reflect on the subject in the context of your parents.

If none of the subjects above interests you I suggest you reach out to me and we can find a subject that you’d like to explore that you can synthesise into a better understanding of human behaviour.

Many products of arts are also capable of increasing your understanding of human behaviour but it’s a deeper exploration process and you might need more time to see the relevancy to your life.

Your parents, regardless of your relationship with them and how they have or have not worked for you, have done the most generous thing for you in your lifetime: they have brought you here.

Bringing you here does not mean you owe them anything because that is not how generosity works.

Generosity is about everyone involved getting more out of it than they put into it.

And I swear: any parent, regardless of their capability to show it, have gotten far more than they put into it from you coming to existence – and so have you.

I am blessed with the quality of friends and family I have. Even at the times I’ve doubted any of them they do something that remind me why I am lucky to have them in my life.

Finally, a persistant fallacy is that charity is similar to or connected to generosity. It isn’t but I’ll save that for another day as I’ve already rambled on for far too long and I have a thousand more ideas for blog posts so I’ll just try to sum it up like this:

Time is our most valuable commodity.

We are only given so much of it and we never know when we will run out of it.

Be generous with you to those you meet, including to yourself – so you get the most out of your time.